via
http://ift.tt/2h0Kz8Z:
(text in parentheses is commentary. I may edit this and slap it up as Tungl Content. as it is, I wrote it in a two hour rush to read aloud to my primarily cishet lit class)
National Coming Out Day was the week before last. I don’t know if you knew. I thought about bringing it up, but at the last moment, I got nervous about what it would mean and what would happen, if I brought it up in a class full of people who I’m sure mean well, but sometimes have moments of enthusiasm in sharing about their cousins, or friends, or friends cousins, who are trans now, like, she - sorry, he - was born a girl but now his name is Brandon. The support is great, but sometimes it makes me feel like a weird cactus in a room full of amateur botanists. (thought about going for a bird/ornithology thing here. eh.) Everyone is excited to show off their knowledge and plant handling skills, and it doesn’t always leave much room for me to say what kind of sunlight I prefer.
I’ve come out a lot of times. In certain ways, and in certain contexts, my appearance does it for me. This is a good look for signaling that I’m gay: Doc Martens, short haircut, jeans, shirt with a queer slogan or event name, rainbow bracelets, maybe a pin or two. I wear a lot of hats now, which is a shame, because it means you can’t see my hair, which is in a stunning combination of a mullet and an undercut. (lie, my hair is too grown out right now to qualify for undercut status. also tragically this doesn’t mention my payos) Believe it or not, I’ve met other people with this hair. The last one was at a queer youth musical showcase. Lots of people don’t like to assume that I must be gay or something just because I look like this, which I would have appreciated in middle school, but which now mostly ticks me off. If it were just not assuming anything, it would be fine, but somehow “not assuming” seems to round to “politely” assuming I’m straight. (Next essay about how it’s complicated bc of being nonbinary and I’m bi lol.)
I come out a lot as trans. It’s impossible to be consistently read as nonbinary outside of queer events that I’m wearing name and pronoun tags at, so if I want to not be misgendered I have to. There’s a careful risk-benefit analysis every time I’m in a situation to come out: what are the odds this person will respond positively? How many questions will I have to answer? How many corrections will I have to give? How many will they accept? How’s my quarterly performance review as a representative of the trans community looking? Sometimes it sticks, but sometimes it goes badly. Sometimes it just ends in clumsy, confused discussions that I don’t really want to have about the nature of gender, but other times people revert to my deadname (LIKE MY LIT PROFESSOR LOL), or stop talking to me. It’s a gamble, but I’m lucky to live where I do. All things considered, the odds are pretty good here.
The first time I came out, I don’t remember. I really have no recollection. I think it must have been a gradual process, because I was a known gay in middle school for years before I realized I wasn’t straight. Coming out to a friend wouldn’t have been so much about denying assumed straightness, as clarifying what my already-assumed-queer feelings were. The first time I came out to my parents, I remember more clearly, because I made something of a production of it. I wrote a to-do list on my hand, and took pictures, as though I were packaging the experience in cellophane for someone to consume. In was really nervous, that time. I think I must have taken a deep breath, like in a dramatic movie or a comedic TV show: Mom. Dad. I’m queer. (my delivery on this bit got a decent amount of laughs. very gratifying. this is all true btw it was corny but I was 14 so I’m giving past me a pass, ey deserves it. )
It didn’t actually go like that. For one thing, my parents are divorced, so I had to specifically schedule it so I could tell them one right after the other, and then do it twice. And then there was the weird, protracted moment of having to explain what I meant, but not really knowing well enough myself to tell someone else. (in retrospect I’m glad… I prefer family member not having information about me lol) I missed National Coming Out Day pretty narrowly that year, too. Maybe next year I’ll do something really special. I could throw a party, or solve the partner issue in a blow up fight with my mom.
(Section following doesn’t really apply as I write this commentary bc me and Toby are taking a break. if you can’t tell this was the part where I started rushing for page count and not editing lol)
The partner issue is this: I’ve been in a relationship for almost five years. I haven’t told my mother this. In fact, I’ve lied to her face about it multiple times. If my mom finds out about this, she will undoubtedly feel incredibly angry, betrayed, and confused. Currently, I’m hiding a significant part of my life from 2/3 of the people I live with. It’s nerve-wracking and thought consuming, like playing a stealth mission in a video game with every Skype call to my partner. If I tell my mom, she’ll be incredibly, vocally betrayed and angry. (should’ve deleted this or the other angry/betrayed bit. whoops) That’s not an appealing solution to the partner issue. If I don’t tell her, I have to keep worrying about her finding out for the rest of her life, my life, or my relationship.
The partner issue is complicated by the fact that I’m in another relationship. Telling my mother that I’ve been lying to her about being in a relationship would be hard enough. The fact that I’m in two would be absolutely decimating. This might seem dramatic, but trust me, my relationship with my mother is terrible and she is an extremely strident person when angry, which is to say, about 60% of her waking hours. (save it for your therapist nick. topics, please) Being polyamorous is another thing I have to come out as, made more complicated by the fact that it’s easily misunderstood as cheating and there are a lot fewer TV shows dealing with it than with trans or gay issues, meaning I’m the sole educator for many people I tell about it. (I think poly “coming out” is something I want to talk about but not w/ the family and relationship specific focus… hm maybe that should be my next topic)
Coming out again and again and again, as queer and trans and conducting relationships the way I do can be hard, but I like living my life openly. I want people to know what I am and what they can be. I hope that I can help people understand gender and sexuality better, and I hope that in that, they’ll understand me better too. (big smile for the cishets :0D)
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