someone opened the door on me for a second in a public

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someone opened the door on me for a second in a public restroom bc I forgot to lock it and I’m weirdly like. not dying of mortification? I feel a little bad for this person but they seem fairly untroubled, and like, “oh, whoops. oh well, no big deal.” about myself. it’s really weird it’s like my emotions are automatically regulating themselves. usually if something normal happens I have to self soothe for like fifteen minutes, this is actually embarrassing but I just gave a short apology and am like. completely resigned to the fact that this will have no impact on the rest of my life. even if the other person remembers this, I just can’t envision any actual adverse future outcome. is this what neurotypicality is like? it rules

something that I like about going to temple is that, while I am aware that at least at this point it

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something that I like about going to temple is that, while I am aware that at least at this point it is primarily a “selfish” exercise - innocuously so, but it benefits me and pretty much me alone. while it’s a selfish exercise I do feel like it’s something I’m supposed to be doing in a way where even if I do it badly (sing off key, stumble over words, be shy, make embarrassing mistakes) I’m doing something good just by being here, I’m doing something I’m supposed to be doing even by doing it badly. it’s a space where I feel like it’s ok for me to be doing things badly. I didn’t particularly care for temple when I was a kid preparing for becoming b'nei mitzvah, but in the intervening years, I’ve changed in desires and disposition, as well as the necessities of my relationships with those around me changing - no longer a child, I meet people as an adult. I feel less like I need to challenge and impress others, it’s enough to just be another person in a crowd.

I’m really reveling in “something a

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I’m really reveling in “something a little bad happened but it won’t make anything bad happen in the future.” even acknowledging the barely-mildly bad thing that has a slim-to-moderate chance of happening doesn’t affect me. if someone I don’t know at all remembers something slightly embarrassing about me and doesn’t desire to be friends with me… so what? it doesn’t impact me. worst case scenario… so what? I really think this is what not having anxiety is like. theres a base level at which I’m not panicked about this and it’s like, emotionally revolutionary. it’s on my mind a bit, but I’m able to believe that it won’t haunt me. I’m able to say “well, so it goes. later I’ll take a shower and do [task info redacted until March 16th].” things can be bad without triggering a frantic distraction cycle? evidently it’s more likely than I thought.